4 Powerful Lessons I Learned Through Eating Disorder Recovery

The most powerful lessons I’ve learned in life…I learned the hard way. That’s just how it goes, isn’t it? Eating disorder recovery was a challenge unlike any other I’ve face in life. Do I wish I never had to go through it? Of course. But there’s no denying that the lessons I learned during that time changed my life in positive, lasting ways.

Last year, a good friend of mine asked me if I ever worried that what I do – coaching women towards goals that often include losing weight- would trigger my eating disorder. A decade ago, I would have paused and probably admitted (hesitantly), that yes, I worried about it. Instead, I confidently (and immediately), could answer her: no, not even in the slightest.

It’s gratifying to be able to answer that way. I credit the honesty of my answer to the last 10 years of not just talking the talk, but walking the walk. It’s remarkable what a devotion to continuous learning, consistent practice and conscious effort can do to challenge a once ingrained habit of disordered eating. I’ve worked hard on this transformation of self and I take pride in how my ideas of fitness and health have grown and changed over the years.

Some Perspective…

In 2006, I moved to Boston with a freshman’s optimistic expectation of freedom and a fake-it-till-you-make-it self-assuredness that only an 18 year old can have. I was chasing the best-years-of-my-life story I’d heard about over the last 4 years of my life. I expected friends, familiarity and fun to fall into place as easily as my teenage brain believed they had in elementary school and high school.

None of it did, of course.

I made some friends quickly, but never found anyone with whom I had quite the same amount of comfort and ease as I’d had with my best friends from high school. I did well in class but was never quite as smart or quick or driven as I thought I should be. I went out all the time and rarely hung out on my own but I never felt like I belonged anywhere.

So I turned to what I thought I understood. What I thought I could control: exercise and diet.

At the time, my understanding of health and fitness was heavily influenced by both my sports-filled childhood and the fitness magazines I piled into my mother’s grocery cart in the checkout line. For close to a decade, I spent hours every week at gymnastics practice. Gymnastics is a sport falsely (in my opinion), accused with an obsession with thinness. I never felt that way. For me, gymnastics was never about being thin. It was about having fun, learning skills and feeling powerful. All which, of course, required impressive amounts of strength, mobility, flexibility and courage. I took all of that with me into high school and the four years of competitive volleyball I participated in there. For most of my teenage years, I felt like strength and confidence defined me.

That being said, when I left that behind and headed off to college, it was the fitness magazines and websites that most influenced my ideas on what my body should be able to do, and what it should look like. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure who I was or where I was meant to be. I wasn’t at home anymore, geographically speaking or in my skin. I’d never cared about my weight or being shredded before. I’d never counted calories or doubted my body. But it gradually dawned on me that I wasn’t as strong, or confident as I thought I was…and doubt was all I felt.

The magazines I read screamed Lose Belly Fat in 30 Days. I downloaded every article, workout and diet plan that promised that, should I perfectly adhere to the plan, I’d Get Shredded Fast. So I adhered to the plan. All of them.

I compiled all of the tips and strategies for losing fat. Then, I dedicated all of my energy to following them. I ran in the morning and worked out in the afternoon. I went to class and fasted in between. I only ate foods that were low fat, low carb and low cal. I avoided temptation…which ultimately meant I started avoiding my friends, my social life, and anything that could draw me away from this one devotion: “fitness”.

Except “fitness” quickly became…not fitness.

It became an obsession that became a disorder. A disorder that pulled me out of dorm life and moved me back home. A disorder that introduced me to numerous doctors, nutritionists and therapists. A disorder that robbed me of years of health, happiness and confidence. That almost robbed me of my life.

I have yet to do anything that challenges me in the way recovering from anorexia challenged me. What most people don’t (can’t) understand about anorexia is that it’s not an absence of knowledge that creates an issue. I knew the calorie count of every food on the table. I could tell you how many calories I’d burn in 60 minutes on any piece of cardio equipment. I also knew that starving my body was not only making me sad, it was slowly killing me. But it was an obsession. Anorexia is a mental disorder. I could never have “just eaten the hamburger” as surely as someone suffering from depression can “just let it go”.

Eating Disorder Recovery…

Recovery takes a team. It also takes time. And 24/7 devotion. Some days I felt strong and ready. Other days I felt like I’d taken (or wanted to take) 3 steps back.

Here’s the thing about recovery from an eating disorder: no one can tell you how long it will take, how hard it will be or whether or not it’s even possible.

Luckily, I have a wonderful family who stood by me and never gave up. I found a nutritionist who deserves a medal of honor in patience. I went to numerous therapists and eventually found the one who seemed to understand my pain before I did. I can’t thank any of these people enough.

It took me a couple of years of hard work to beat the worst of it. By 2009, I felt like I’d at least closed a couple of chapters in my recovery book – to be able to say “I don’t have an eating disorder”. But it took another 4-5 years to work through the residuals. I struggled with disordered eating habits for a long time, even after I was healthy and happy and living my life again.

I didn’t talked about my eating disorder in those years. It was too close, too painful, too raw. Like most pivotal moments in life, it’s hard to put words to what happened…hindsight isn’t always 20/20.

Today, I feel safe talking about my struggle, and my recovery. I no longer worry that talking about it will trigger disordered eating urges or tendencies. And I realize, daily, that even though statistically speaking most people won’t struggle with an eating disorder in their lives, a lot of people struggle with disordered eating patterns and mindsets.

Which is why I want to write about it. To write about what I went through and what I learned. So that if you struggle with this kind of pain or you know someone who does, you know you aren’t alone. And that there’s a way to leave it behind and completely heal.

So this is for you.

4 Powerful Lessons I Learned Through Eating Disorder Recovery

Do I wish that I never had to struggle with anorexia? Sure, of course. But there’s no going back in time and I’m not sure which piece of my puzzle I’d adjust to skip this particular phase even if I could. So rather than regret it, I learn from it.

Extrinsic Factors Can Get You Started, But You Have to Turn Inward to Really Make it Work Forever

My parents are the reason I left my dorm and moved home in the middle of sophomore year. They are the reason that I started therapy. And their pain – the tears and worry I knew I was causing – was why I finally submitted to “trying” to get better.

The truth is, I spent many months in therapy and doctors offices, listening and participating but not really quite ready to let go of how I was living. My nutritionist would talk about food and healthy choices and metabolism and health, and I would listen, absorb and agree. I’d even walk out of the office thinking “today’s the day!”. And then I’d walk down the street and the idea of changing what I was so used to became terrifying enough to forget it all.

Eventually, I could no longer stand the pain I was causing my parents. And so I committed to trying. Luckily, trying was enough to get me started. It was enough to create hope and a tiiiiiiiny bit of momentum. But it wasn’t enough to carry me all the way. I had to, at some point, come up with a reason for struggling through recovery that was about me. I had to want it for reasons that were entirely about my being, my body, my life.

My therapist gave me a tool that still stands out in my mind as a turning point. She told me to separate myself from my eating disorder. Name it, visualize it as a separate thing. Julia vs ED. As soon as I did that, I was able to hear Julia’s thought again – separate thoughts entirely from ED’s. And gradually, I came to trust Julia more than I trusted ED. And Julia wanted more in life.

I’m fairly positive I wouldn’t have made it to that point without first realizing: I just wanted to see my parent’s stop worrying. But I’m 100% positive that I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t realized that to fully heal, to fully be the Julia I wanted to be, I had to want it for me.

If Your Why Isn’t Emotional, You’re Probably Not at Your Why Yet

“Simply talking with a therapist may be reassuring and informative, but we are most likely to reprocess the world in lasting ways during novel emotional states”. – B. Steenbarger, Forbes

Habits and routines feel “normal”. That is their point. Human beings develop habits so that they don’t have to actively think about executing a task – it’s simply going through the motions. This is true if said habits are beneficial (imagine how little you’d get done if you had to think about putting one foot in front of the other as you walk). And it is just as true if said habits are detrimental.

Emotion heightens awareness. It triggers the need (not just the desire) to take action…immediate action. Big emotion opens the floodgates to some sort of innate energy and resilience that exists below the surface of normal life. That kind of energy doesn’t ebb and flow, it burns hot.

It’s that exact sense of urgency and fire that deep, meaningful Whys are made of. Why is this what you want? Why are you working towards this goal? If your answer is lukewarm…you aren’t there yet. Lukewarm turns cold quickly. You want fire.

Get obsessed. Get angry. Get emotional. Tap into gut feelings and hard memories and deep-seeded discomforts. If your why isn’t something that you get fired up talking about – keep digging.

Set Backs and Challenges are Guaranteed; Leaning In and Moving Forward Anyways is Non-Negotiable

The road to success is not linear. It’s not even necessarily a line. It goes up and down. Left and right. It zigs and it zags. And it probably looks like dashes in some places. Expect set backs. Understand that there will be challenges. Not every day is going to be easy. But every day is an opportunity to lean into the challenge and push forward anyways.

I kept a diary during my eating disorder recovery. I’ve never reread it cover to cover, but I have opened up random pages to remember that girl and that time. Some passages are incredibly buoyant – full of optimism and drive. I imagine the sun was shining on those days, and maybe I’d seen some friends and was flinging myself towards the finish line. Other passages are savagely painful and exhausted – tired of trying.

And yet there was always another entry. Always a positive, we’ve-got-this vibe a couple of pages later. I realized at some point that “easy” wasn’t in the cards. But that the only option was forward. I couldn’t go back. That headspace and disordered routine couldn’t exist as a comfort zone for me anymore. Moving forward was non-negotiable.

You will not heal by going back to what broke you.

Your Story Has Nothing to Do With Anyone Else’s Expectations, History or Beliefs

I am not the first and I will not be the last. But I am the only me.

Big change – life change – is exhausting. It’s overwhelming and often scary. And it often feels super lonely.

I couldn’t explain to my brother why I couldn’t just “take a bit of the damn hamburger”. I didn’t know how to walk away from the women convincing me that I’d end up in a hospital. I got angry at the doctor who expected me to collapse on the bus station platform. There were no words to explain to my friends what had changed, how I didn’t know how to be that girl again.

At the time, I felt like I was support to know what words to say…how to make people understand what I didn’t yet understand myself.

Now, I realize that the story has nothing to do with anyone else. Someone else’s path, or history, or experience might hold nuggets of relevance, but it doesn’t tell your story. No matter how close to you someone is, what they believe does not have to be what you believe.

You get to write your script.

You get to decide.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder or eating disorder recovery, please know that there is help.

The National Eating Disorders Association is still here as a resource to connect people with information and treatment options:

If you are looking for information about eating disorders please check out: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/what-are-eating-disorders
If you are looking for eating disorder recovery and/or treatment options, please check out https://map.nationaleatingdisorders.org/